Hello all. I’m blogging this because I feel like I have to tell my son’s story. Not just for him, but for me. I need to wrap my head around it fully, from start to finish, and I think this blog will help me deal with some of my emotions and frustrations about his challenges. My son’s name is Raymond, and he has high functioning autism in addition to dyspraxia, hypotonia and hyperlexia.  As a parent, emotions run high regardless.  As the parent of a special needs child, I swear the emotions are on hyperdrive.

So a little background.  I’m a REALTOR, play drums in a rock band, just became a Master Mason in my local lodge and love my wife Kelly.  She is really my rock.  I have to say that I don’t know how the single moms and dads do this.  I would go crazy without her help, and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way about me.  We live close to family, which is good, because Kelly’s parents have been a tremendous aid to us.  They give us free child care, and even let him sleep over one night a week so have a respite.  Without that, I’m not sure either of us would be sane.

I guess the biggest thing I want to get off my chest to start is the denial period I went through when I finally realized he had autism.  As a dad, you feel obligated to protect your child from the world somewhat, and I went through a period where I literally thought keeping Raymond undiagnosed was protecting him somehow.  I was miserable, and had a great deal of difficulty accepting that my son, the light of my life, was impaired or damaged somehow and I couldn’t fix it.  I mean, I’m dad, so if I can’t fix it then it must be terribly, terribly broken.  I wondered if there was something genetic that I contributed that damaged him, or if some of my habits from younger days might have hurt him somehow.  I felt powerless, which is not how I am accustomed to feeling.  I’ve always been confident and assertive, but autism just destroyed me.

In hindsight, I now realize that was my long dark night of the soul, where my ego was destroyed in order to allow me to grow.  As I rebuilt myself, I realized there was hope.  My son was not dead, after all, and autism is a very different diagnosis than it was even 10 years ago.  I began to hope, thanks to a number of people I read on the internet, frustrated moms and dads who were sharing their story both to help others and to heal themselves.  I’m doing the same now, because if it only helps one other kid, then all my time here will be well spent.  I feel like I owe those people something, and want to pay it forward.

So that’s what I’ve got for now.  Its hard for me to write some of this, as the pain is still fresh. However, stay tuned.  I will be throwing my initial posts from my old blog up on this page, mainly because I couldn’t finish it then and it is a pretty concise backstory.  Also, I’m not even trying to keep this chronological.  That’s not how I think, and I want to share things as I think of them, so I’ll be jumping around in time a lot.  Anyway, welcome to my blog, feel free to comment and I hope you get something good out of it.


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